Make no mistake. There is a true art to scheduling visits for children who need and desire both parents. In the midst of finalizing all the details, my boys still very much need their daddy. In fact, Eli asked for him this morning. It hurts my heart to know I can't call his daddy for him and set up a visit for tonight or tomorrow night because the distance involved precludes it.
Before all of this began, Eli was stuck like glue to his father. I was a new mom completely pained by my baby's choice of his father over me. I felt it just wasn't natural. A baby needs a mommy. Well, in our house, wrestling and car rides beat out snuggling with mommy. So when Toby came along and wanted me - really wanted ME - it was exactly what I needed to feel whole again. The good and bad is that Toby hasn't known what it's like to have a daddy in the house since he was six months old - so basically, he has no clue. Eli, however, was two and acutely aware of the change. Since the separation, Eli and I have bonded much more, but/and I know what it is for him to not see his father. Mommy wasn't designed to be both male and female figure. I'm not likely to throw him around, act as a human jungle gym, and let him occasionally throw caution to the wind on the playground. It's not in my nature.
Now that we are hours away from their father, the plight of shared time begins. I'm not sure the commitment is the same for both parties, but speaking for myself, my goal is to facilitate an 'in tact' relationship between the men in this gene pool. In doing so, I must also insure it's not costing me in the process. I'm generally very accommodating to those around me, where possible. I've learned this quality was actually a negative in my marriage.
You see, I'm a fixer. Not a handy homeowner, but a handy home 'manager'. When I see a need, I desire at a deep level to assist. It was only recently that I learned this isn't always a good thing. Can you imagine that? And the reason is not because I'm not good at it or have poor intentions, but because there are those out there who, possibly without their own awareness, prey on this very personality trait. Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? I think it can definitely be a good thing if one has a need and another has a solution. The problem comes in when the one with the need expects a solution and is resentful when there isn't one. The fixer (that would be me) becomes resentful of the expectation and the needy (that would be him) becomes resentful of the lack of support. Who knew this could be such a problem? Well it is and it was.
My goal now is to not lose sight of that which brings me joy - being helpful - while allowing others complete accountability for their choices. So, tell me, how is this accomplished when toddlers hang in the balance?
This is the question of the day...and the only answer I have at this juncture is...very delicately.
