When I made flight arrangements, two weeks ago, I dreaded getting up at 5am, getting on a plane with a reputation for small seats and asking for a seatbelt extender while I fold myself up to insure my passenger friends have a chance at a comfortablish flight.  That's the least of my dreads.  I just didn't realize it until yesterday.

I visited a pretty awesome church, yesterday.  It's a good size and had super friendly people.  The pastor was not what I would call anything special, but the sermon...the story...the message...well it definitely was.

The message was about Judah and Israel and a lack of repentance. Long sermon short, they were sorry for what they had done but only because they were caught.  They did not admit their fault, only tried to cover with what they needed to do now.  Sadly, I relate far too well to this story.  I spent the first 15 minutes thinking, "this is just gonna suck.  I'm going to relive my shit (no other name for it) and end up wallowing in the muck of my existence all over again."  Then the pastor spoke from the perspective of focusing on my own culpability rather than being grateful I'm not as bad off as the other guy.  I've learned in my recently new church experiences that the point of the message is never what it seems.  Since I've already looked at my responsibility in this mess, I didn't throw myself into self-loathing, etc., but interestingly, a flood of emotion overtook me during an everyday song at the end of the service.  I prayed, "this is really bad timing, God.  I've got my head down, I'm sniffling where others can hear, and I have NO KLEENEX!".  Funny how some prayers aren't answered. :| 

That's when it hit me.  My divorce will likely be finalized this week.  Once I peel myself out of bed, fold myself into the airline seat, and pray my way to downtown, I'll finish the last bit of business in a year of painful peaks and valleys.  My real dread is the process, the casualties, and the finality.

I feel as though my death has been predicted.  It makes sense.  My relationship with the one to whom I expected to belong forever is dying.  It will still exist where my children are concerned, but the realization of a lifelong dream of being a wife and mother is only half what it once was.  No one goes for 50%...Right?  I sure don't.  I'll admit, I always thought the mother part would be me strong suit (seriously questioning this now), but that didn't mean I wasn't interested in partnering through life.  I actually looked forward to the challenge.  But now, here I sit with my workout gear, ready to take on the obstacle course, and no one to race with and against.  It's deflating.

Typically, I'd look for the future possibility.  That seems to be only another relationship.  At this point, I prefer not to focus on what's possibly awaiting me.  I've spent so much energy in my life waiting for him-whoever he was-and now, frankly, I just don't have that kind of energy.  I have no desire to find a date and/or a mate.  I'm sure there's something or someone in my future, but I've got two tiny dates that need me to open their doors for a few more years before I can expect someone to open mine.

*Sigh*  So for now, I need girl time, a fruity drink and a vacation...STAT!