I want to find a way to honor my marriage, this weekend. Not honor my soon-to-be-ex-husband and not honor it's disintegration, but honor the commitment I made to remain committed. I want to ceremonially acknowledge the closing of the chapter and right myself for the next part of my path. I'm not sure what it will look like yet, but it's something I feel is strongly needed.
I'm open to suggestions...
Monday, June 27, 2011
When I made flight arrangements, two weeks ago, I dreaded getting up at 5am, getting on a plane with a reputation for small seats and asking for a seatbelt extender while I fold myself up to insure my passenger friends have a chance at a comfortablish flight. That's the least of my dreads. I just didn't realize it until yesterday.
I visited a pretty awesome church, yesterday. It's a good size and had super friendly people. The pastor was not what I would call anything special, but the sermon...the story...the message...well it definitely was.
The message was about Judah and Israel and a lack of repentance. Long sermon short, they were sorry for what they had done but only because they were caught. They did not admit their fault, only tried to cover with what they needed to do now. Sadly, I relate far too well to this story. I spent the first 15 minutes thinking, "this is just gonna suck. I'm going to relive my shit (no other name for it) and end up wallowing in the muck of my existence all over again." Then the pastor spoke from the perspective of focusing on my own culpability rather than being grateful I'm not as bad off as the other guy. I've learned in my recently new church experiences that the point of the message is never what it seems. Since I've already looked at my responsibility in this mess, I didn't throw myself into self-loathing, etc., but interestingly, a flood of emotion overtook me during an everyday song at the end of the service. I prayed, "this is really bad timing, God. I've got my head down, I'm sniffling where others can hear, and I have NO KLEENEX!". Funny how some prayers aren't answered. :|
That's when it hit me. My divorce will likely be finalized this week. Once I peel myself out of bed, fold myself into the airline seat, and pray my way to downtown, I'll finish the last bit of business in a year of painful peaks and valleys. My real dread is the process, the casualties, and the finality.
I feel as though my death has been predicted. It makes sense. My relationship with the one to whom I expected to belong forever is dying. It will still exist where my children are concerned, but the realization of a lifelong dream of being a wife and mother is only half what it once was. No one goes for 50%...Right? I sure don't. I'll admit, I always thought the mother part would be me strong suit (seriously questioning this now), but that didn't mean I wasn't interested in partnering through life. I actually looked forward to the challenge. But now, here I sit with my workout gear, ready to take on the obstacle course, and no one to race with and against. It's deflating.
Typically, I'd look for the future possibility. That seems to be only another relationship. At this point, I prefer not to focus on what's possibly awaiting me. I've spent so much energy in my life waiting for him-whoever he was-and now, frankly, I just don't have that kind of energy. I have no desire to find a date and/or a mate. I'm sure there's something or someone in my future, but I've got two tiny dates that need me to open their doors for a few more years before I can expect someone to open mine.
*Sigh* So for now, I need girl time, a fruity drink and a vacation...STAT!
I visited a pretty awesome church, yesterday. It's a good size and had super friendly people. The pastor was not what I would call anything special, but the sermon...the story...the message...well it definitely was.
The message was about Judah and Israel and a lack of repentance. Long sermon short, they were sorry for what they had done but only because they were caught. They did not admit their fault, only tried to cover with what they needed to do now. Sadly, I relate far too well to this story. I spent the first 15 minutes thinking, "this is just gonna suck. I'm going to relive my shit (no other name for it) and end up wallowing in the muck of my existence all over again." Then the pastor spoke from the perspective of focusing on my own culpability rather than being grateful I'm not as bad off as the other guy. I've learned in my recently new church experiences that the point of the message is never what it seems. Since I've already looked at my responsibility in this mess, I didn't throw myself into self-loathing, etc., but interestingly, a flood of emotion overtook me during an everyday song at the end of the service. I prayed, "this is really bad timing, God. I've got my head down, I'm sniffling where others can hear, and I have NO KLEENEX!". Funny how some prayers aren't answered. :|
That's when it hit me. My divorce will likely be finalized this week. Once I peel myself out of bed, fold myself into the airline seat, and pray my way to downtown, I'll finish the last bit of business in a year of painful peaks and valleys. My real dread is the process, the casualties, and the finality.
I feel as though my death has been predicted. It makes sense. My relationship with the one to whom I expected to belong forever is dying. It will still exist where my children are concerned, but the realization of a lifelong dream of being a wife and mother is only half what it once was. No one goes for 50%...Right? I sure don't. I'll admit, I always thought the mother part would be me strong suit (seriously questioning this now), but that didn't mean I wasn't interested in partnering through life. I actually looked forward to the challenge. But now, here I sit with my workout gear, ready to take on the obstacle course, and no one to race with and against. It's deflating.
Typically, I'd look for the future possibility. That seems to be only another relationship. At this point, I prefer not to focus on what's possibly awaiting me. I've spent so much energy in my life waiting for him-whoever he was-and now, frankly, I just don't have that kind of energy. I have no desire to find a date and/or a mate. I'm sure there's something or someone in my future, but I've got two tiny dates that need me to open their doors for a few more years before I can expect someone to open mine.
*Sigh* So for now, I need girl time, a fruity drink and a vacation...STAT!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Art of Visitation
Make no mistake. There is a true art to scheduling visits for children who need and desire both parents. In the midst of finalizing all the details, my boys still very much need their daddy. In fact, Eli asked for him this morning. It hurts my heart to know I can't call his daddy for him and set up a visit for tonight or tomorrow night because the distance involved precludes it.
Before all of this began, Eli was stuck like glue to his father. I was a new mom completely pained by my baby's choice of his father over me. I felt it just wasn't natural. A baby needs a mommy. Well, in our house, wrestling and car rides beat out snuggling with mommy. So when Toby came along and wanted me - really wanted ME - it was exactly what I needed to feel whole again. The good and bad is that Toby hasn't known what it's like to have a daddy in the house since he was six months old - so basically, he has no clue. Eli, however, was two and acutely aware of the change. Since the separation, Eli and I have bonded much more, but/and I know what it is for him to not see his father. Mommy wasn't designed to be both male and female figure. I'm not likely to throw him around, act as a human jungle gym, and let him occasionally throw caution to the wind on the playground. It's not in my nature.
Now that we are hours away from their father, the plight of shared time begins. I'm not sure the commitment is the same for both parties, but speaking for myself, my goal is to facilitate an 'in tact' relationship between the men in this gene pool. In doing so, I must also insure it's not costing me in the process. I'm generally very accommodating to those around me, where possible. I've learned this quality was actually a negative in my marriage.
You see, I'm a fixer. Not a handy homeowner, but a handy home 'manager'. When I see a need, I desire at a deep level to assist. It was only recently that I learned this isn't always a good thing. Can you imagine that? And the reason is not because I'm not good at it or have poor intentions, but because there are those out there who, possibly without their own awareness, prey on this very personality trait. Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? I think it can definitely be a good thing if one has a need and another has a solution. The problem comes in when the one with the need expects a solution and is resentful when there isn't one. The fixer (that would be me) becomes resentful of the expectation and the needy (that would be him) becomes resentful of the lack of support. Who knew this could be such a problem? Well it is and it was.
My goal now is to not lose sight of that which brings me joy - being helpful - while allowing others complete accountability for their choices. So, tell me, how is this accomplished when toddlers hang in the balance?
This is the question of the day...and the only answer I have at this juncture is...very delicately.
Before all of this began, Eli was stuck like glue to his father. I was a new mom completely pained by my baby's choice of his father over me. I felt it just wasn't natural. A baby needs a mommy. Well, in our house, wrestling and car rides beat out snuggling with mommy. So when Toby came along and wanted me - really wanted ME - it was exactly what I needed to feel whole again. The good and bad is that Toby hasn't known what it's like to have a daddy in the house since he was six months old - so basically, he has no clue. Eli, however, was two and acutely aware of the change. Since the separation, Eli and I have bonded much more, but/and I know what it is for him to not see his father. Mommy wasn't designed to be both male and female figure. I'm not likely to throw him around, act as a human jungle gym, and let him occasionally throw caution to the wind on the playground. It's not in my nature.
Now that we are hours away from their father, the plight of shared time begins. I'm not sure the commitment is the same for both parties, but speaking for myself, my goal is to facilitate an 'in tact' relationship between the men in this gene pool. In doing so, I must also insure it's not costing me in the process. I'm generally very accommodating to those around me, where possible. I've learned this quality was actually a negative in my marriage.
You see, I'm a fixer. Not a handy homeowner, but a handy home 'manager'. When I see a need, I desire at a deep level to assist. It was only recently that I learned this isn't always a good thing. Can you imagine that? And the reason is not because I'm not good at it or have poor intentions, but because there are those out there who, possibly without their own awareness, prey on this very personality trait. Sounds like a match made in heaven, right? I think it can definitely be a good thing if one has a need and another has a solution. The problem comes in when the one with the need expects a solution and is resentful when there isn't one. The fixer (that would be me) becomes resentful of the expectation and the needy (that would be him) becomes resentful of the lack of support. Who knew this could be such a problem? Well it is and it was.
My goal now is to not lose sight of that which brings me joy - being helpful - while allowing others complete accountability for their choices. So, tell me, how is this accomplished when toddlers hang in the balance?
This is the question of the day...and the only answer I have at this juncture is...very delicately.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Welcome Letter
Hello Readers,
Welcome to my new spin on my old love. I've always had a passion for the written word, but now I have a purpose. I recently found myself at a fork in the road. With two little boys, age two and under, my life changed completely. I was now a single mother with nary a clue how to do it.
I never expected this when I planned my wedding, had my boys, and enjoyed learning what partnership really does and doesn't mean. So when, at the age of 39, I found myself alone, I also found the importance of God in my life. The situational specifics don't matter as much as the outcome. With the help of a wonderful counselor, a church support group of amazing women (went through that group twice, thank goodness), and an amazing family, I found it possible to survive my circumstances and the distance from my network, process the things about me that had me choose the wrong mate, heal, and the most important part of all....forgive my spouse.
I've chosen Single Mom's Guide to the Hereafter, not as an attempt to bring spirituality to the table; though I'm more than willing to enter that discussion, but because I identify with it in the Here and Now, as well as what's to come. So for now, you have the background for my need and desire to share what I'm learning, along with the pitfalls and successes I'm bound to land in along the way. I hope you'll journey with me, share your insights and fears, and use this as a support tool. Life is much more enjoyable in a group, after all.
I'm honored you've taken the time to read.
Until,
Shannon
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