I feel like I've lost both arms. Is it possible to feel a lost limb AND a heaviness at the same time? I took my boys to meet up with their dad yesterday. They'll be gone for one whole week and I'm feeling a bit lost. My arms ache for hugs. My cheeks and lips look for little wet kisses, which would normally be of no interest to me, but where my boys are concerned, I wouldn't have anything less than a kiss that lingers and slides down my face. Literally.
I miss my boys. I know they're in good hands. I know their dad loves them and enjoys them and wants to spend time with them. That was never a question, and I hope it never is. I'm thrilled for them that he's not distancing himself. I'm happy to give them that time with him. I just wish it weren't at the cost of my own time with them.
Boys need their father. I tell myself this very thing almost daily. Some days, guilt accompanies the statement. Other days, anger. Either way, I see the difference when they aren't getting enough time with him. They were ready to see him. Mom and I watched them kick with glee when dad came to the door and they realized it was him...it really was DADDY. We loved every minute of it. He probably did too, but that's not my concern, frankly. I just know I love it when I'm the one getting that response. It's like someone created a parade just for ME. Nothing compares to the love of the child.
And that's exactly why my limbs feel like they're dragging the ground. The best advice has been to keep busy...and that's what I'm doing...just not busy enough. I'm tense. I'm anxious. I'm hungry. Hmmm...I'm going to get dinner!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Help me, God. Help me remain constant.
When I feel like the world is out of my control, show me your omnipotence.
When I don’t know what the future holds, show me your omniscience.
When I feel alone in this life, in this house, in this body, show me your omnipresence.
Help me remain a constant. Help me express your truth. Let your beauty resonate beyond all the ugly that may come near us. Be the one final truth, expressed through my words, actions and life.
Show me the direction to best lead my family. Someone must lead. I’ve seen too many episodes of Survivor to know that without a leader, the tribe is doomed to be disorganized and ineffective. I desire much more for my tribe. Until the other members (all other members) are able to participate in an effective manner, show me my place. No. Show me your place that I may reside in it.
I trust my children will ultimately be ok. I know you wouldn’t have it any other way. What’s left is to relinquish control as myself and give it all to you. Allow you to cradle the family in your protection and trust it will always be there for us. Surround my boys with peace and love and strength and right so they may know what it means to be a man of God, putting their families ahead of all other than you and ending the cycle of indifference.
Strengthen me and show me your way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)